My Dumbshit Life

metalrick @ 2006-02-01T19:23:00

2005-07-21T01:59:16Z

Long time since I've updated. Not much to report in the realm of stupidity amazingly.

I thought 3x6 was 24 recently. And I fought my answer for at least 3 min. I R SMRAT AND IN COLLEDGE! LOL!

I over-exerted myself in the gym and puked. Looking in the toilet, I noticed alot of red and flipped out. I was on my way to the hospital when I realized I had ketchup recently before lifting.

This happened last semester but I guess this is the king of fuck-ups. Both our toilets were clogged in the townhouse. So one night I got up and had to shit real bad. So I went to the bathroom, did my duty and flushed. The water... didn't stop... rising... I started to try and stop the flow of poop juice from entering out of the bathroom so I grabbed my towel and started blocking the door with it. I've since forgotten which towel that is and have probably used it. It was washed afterwards, but still, it is a poop juice towel...

But that next morning, I got up, went downstairs. Took a piss and flushed. The bathroom was then overflowed with poop juice and urine juice. So I spent the better part of my morning cleaning everything with more towels and paper towels. Not a fun task. I had to throw out the bathroom scale as, once again, excrement of some kind ruins it.

Well after this, I had to go #2 really, really bad. So I went to the local 7-11, took care of buisiness, flushed and the toilet started to get clogged. I said fuck it and got out of there as quickly as possible. Beware my shit. Beware it!

Dumbsit Driving Awards

2005-07-13T15:08:03Z

Today I'd like to bring you a special entry of my Dumbshit journal. I feel the need to give two special awards to two drivers out there in the world. Your idiocy is sure to inspire us all, and deserves to be immortalized in this journal. Then I'll get off my throne of being above those who have performed deeds of stupid, and place myself once again with my subjects with my own story.

The silver medal goes to the lady who ran the red light. Oh how she ran the red light... then realized what she had done and stopped in the middle of the intersection... then went a little further... then stopped again... then finally continued on through the light. I'm sure everyone there would be in agreement: that was worth the extra 2 min of wait.

And the gold goes to another lady, who obviously cannot tell the difference between the green arrow in the lane next to her, and a solid red circle in her lane. The turn lane light goes green, and she decides to go blasting forth through the intersection... and then just stops in the middle of it. Everyone is simply waiting for her to continue to complete her premature passing through the intersection so everyone can continue with their driving experience, but alas, she goes into reverse... and now is protruding out in the middle of the intersection causing a hazard for everyone. Joy!

But this brings me to my own experience of dumb shittery. I was heading towards the gym and was in the turn lane behind two gigantic mac trucks. Well, I couldn't see the light. So I just followed suit behind the trucks, and then "oh shit" I saw the light was a nice bright red. Stiumulus generalization kicked in and I stopped. Well that would've been grand if my Ranger didn't have it's nose sticking out into oncoming traffic and the douche behind me was too close for me to back up. So I got to be entertained by the 5-8 faces of horror as people went flying towards me, saw that I was sticking out, and quickly moved to the other lane. Remember kids, consistant near death experiences build character!

Small Update

2005-06-21T15:56:34Z

Probably the stupidest thing I've done since the last time I updated was when I was helping my best friend's girl friend, Stacy, move from one apartment to the next. We had been moving all day and I was real tired. We had one more box to take down and well, it said "Clothes". So I said ok, dropped the box, and let it roll down the stairs. Made the loudest noise ever and crashed into the door. Me, Fletch and Scott all fell down laughing our asses off. I picked myself up, walked down the stairs, and loaded the box into the truck. Later that night I discovered that Stacy had put multiple picture frames in there with GLASS windows. FUCKING OOPS!

I quit my job at Jersey Mikes Subs as most everyone knows. What happened was a I dropped a block of ham on the meat slicer and went to pick it up. My genius self made a grab for it and cut my index and pinky finger wide open on the slicing blade. I bled. Alot. I mean ALOT alot. It was pretty funny when one of the employees started freaking out screaming/asking if I had AIDS but I was too busy bleeding over a trash can to laugh.

"Hell ain't a bad place, Hell is from here to eternity!"

Update!!!! (So you can shut your dirty voice hole Matt)

2005-04-20T03:11:39Z

Wow, it's been too long since I've updated the antics of stupidity within my life. How have you all survived?!

I fought to death the fact that "outro" was an actual word, and lost, horribly.

I have lost my cell phone at least on average three times a week in my room and have had my friends (those friends being... Matt) call it so I could find it. That's not the dumbest part. I asked Matt to call my phone once when it was right next to my mouse on my desk...

I apparently referred to my friend Andy as "Anime".

I ran off the side of a parking lot onto the road because I thought it was an exit.

I'll add more when I can remember and I'm not so tired.

Stupidy even comes at night...

2005-02-18T01:17:52Z

So I woke up at 6 AM, about an hour and a half before I needed to wake up for class, and had to take a massive piss. So I went into the bathroom, did my deed and fell back asleep. I woke up to my alarm, went to the bathroom to take a shower and noticed that my scale was covered in some form of liquid. I knew at that point I had mistakenly pissed all over my scale instead of the toilet (and no, I was not drunk), but to make extra special sure, I picked it up and sniffed it. Yeah, definitely pissed all over it.

EDIT: Oh and the scale's definitely broken. It wont even calibrate correctly. Behold the mighty power of my urine.

Holy crap, another one?!

2005-02-16T02:08:38Z

Yeah, I'm bored and I did something stupid so I thought I'd add a quick update.

I came home from the gym so my adrenaline was pumping and I had a good amount of energy. I was about to take a shower and was just standing around in my boxers. Freedom Call - Warriors started playing on my playlist so I decided to start headbanging and rock out. I grabbed my guitar, jumped on the bed, started playing along with the rhythm. Came the solo, screwed that up royally but oh well, I was still rocking and looking bad ass in my plaid underwear head banging on my guitar to cheesey power metal. The song was over, I grabbed a towel and headed for a shower. Then my room mate saw me in the hallway and says "You did a good job playing along to the rhythm, so you got soul, but your solo job needs a little work."

Update Finally

2005-02-12T14:55:37Z

I never thought my friends would find my stupidity so amusing. So they can quit bugging me to update for a little while. I can't make the stupid happen!

Just now I finished writing a new entry and then clicked the wrong "X" and lost everything. Now I have to type it all again. And I will. Cause I know my stupidity amuses you.

When I was getting ready for class, I held my keys in my mouth so I wouldn't lose them. A really kick ass song came on my playlist and I started head banging. The keys flew into my upper teeth causing me enough pain to fall to the ground.

I swore my friend Andrew had psychic abilities because he asked me to put up a guest entry (seen below) as I was just starting to update my journal. He didn't know what I was on about then reminded me that I told him earlier I was going to finally update.

Old school:
When I turned 18 I decided it would be hip and cool to start smoking. So I bought my first pack of Marlboro Reds, lit up my first cig, and started driving to my band concert. I tossed the cig out the window while driving and went to the school. Soon after my parents came up to me looking distressed. They told me someone threew a cigarette into the backseat of my car and it caught on fire. My dad pulled out his cell phone to call the police and I just shook my head. I told them it was my cigarette and not to worry, I definitely wasn't going to smoke any more. Baaaad omen.

I went to Longwood to visit some friends and we decided it would be a good time to lock me in the trunk of Fletch's civic and scare people. So we did, and we got a few priceless expressions. So we decided to take it up a level. We went to Mason's dorm and they duct taped my hands and mouth then drug me down 9 stories. People didn't know what the hell was going on but didn't ask questions either (I love college) as Mason and Fletch threw me to the ground for effect. People in the upper dorms started yelling at us as they put me in the trunk. We pull up to our victim and Mason pulls the line "Do you know where the local cemetary is?" as I start making noises. Fletch pops the trunk secretly and I begin to make my way out. At this point Mason is screaming at Fletch to start driving and he does... with me halfway out of the trunk. The hood slams onto my chest and I fall out of the moving car onto the pavement. I scrape the ever loving shit out of my arm but still get up and start forrest gumping down the road, screaming the best I can, bleeding all over myself. The dude is scared shitless and runs the other way. I stop running and start laughing. The guy asks if this was a frat thing to which I respond "Nah man, I'm from Tech!"

Guest entry:
This one's from Andrew "Nikoomba" <3

One time in high school we'd just gotten out of class at the end of the day. We were walking away from the lockers where I'd just gotten my rather heavy bag. A minute later a friend of mine said something that pissed me off, so I figured I'd teach him a lesson by throwing my bag at him. I took it off my shoulder, and swung it overarm to throw it. Unfortunately, I didn't let go of the bag, and the momentum of it swung it down hard into my feet, so I promptly fell face first over it....in the middle of the school, just when everyone was out of class. There was lots of laughing.

Green Tea

2005-01-26T22:26:29Z

I'm feeling a tad under the weather today so I find that the best cure-all is green tea. Put the green tea packet in a cup, nuked it, took it out and realized I forgot to add water...

... then when I did add water and microwaved it, I opened the fridge instead of the microwave to retrieve it...

Beer and Stupid!

2005-01-24T23:20:01Z

So I decided to go a party Saturday night forgetting that alcohol enhances my stupid. Here's some quick blurbs of what happened (or I that I remember happening).

I snorted a line of cinnamon... twice...

... and then washed it down by snorting a handful of apple juice...

At the peak of my drunkiness I started joke-fighting with my best bud Shawn at which point, he got up, and we started to wrestle. I decided a good idea was to pick him up and body slam him WWF style into the floor. Well his head bounce off the thinly carpeted ground and his knee went directly into my nuts.

The next day I went sledding for the first time in my life and managed to break the sled the first time I got onto it.

EDIT: Yeah you're right Matt. I still wrestled you to the ground, NO MATTER WHAT YOU SAY.

Oh and Sunday when I went sledding I thought it would be a good idea to get a running start on the sled to get more speed. I ran, slipped on the sled and fell half way down the hill.

Time to start the new school year off...

2005-01-17T20:52:49Z

This happened before school started but I never wrote it down so here goes. I was making myself some eggwhites and managed to spill them all over the stove. Now my parents have this really awesome flat top stove so the egg whites are just getting over the part I'm cooking on and burning. I turn off one side and move the pan over to another. So the right side of the stove has egg whites burnt into it. I try to clean it up. The stove is still hot so I burn myself... and keep trying to clean it. Finally I just let it cool off and manage to clean most of the crap off. My eggwhites are done and I lift up the pan and discover I the bottom of it had eggwhites on it. So now there's eggwhites, deeply entrenched into the stove, on the left side.

Last night we were watching Iron Maiden - Raising Hell and Number of the Beast came on. So I decided to be really cool and do an air guitar jump over the couch. I happened to forget that there was a large package of paper towels on the seat. So I jumped. And I fell. And there was much laughing. After that I said something or another and my friend Anna pushed me for it. I then proceeded to lose my balance and fall directly on my ass. I got my ass kicked by a girl. Proper.

First day of school, first day of class, first class, first impressions ahoy! So I'm sitting in class, listening to the teacher go over the syllabus and what not and my nose is running a bit. So I figure "Oh well, it's cold outside, I'll live." Soon discover my nose actually isn't running but bleeding. Wonderful. Well I figure the *smart* thing to do is sit in class and just periodically wipe the blood from my nose and wipe it on my pants instead of asking to be excused. So I do this. And I bleed. And I bleed. And I bleed a little more for good measure. The bleeding finally stops, after my professor looking over giving me the most estranged looks periodically. So now I'm sitting here with blood streaks all over my hands and my pants. I can only imagine what everyone else is thinking...

metalrick @ 2005-01-12T23:19:00

2005-01-13T04:32:17Z

More stupidity for your enjoyment.

My colour blind best friend (yes, you know who you are Fletch) beat me at a puzzle game where you have to rely on colours to win.

I saw some Christian Nazi people protesting and yelling at people. These kind of people really piss me off so I yelled back saying their faith is a sham and they only go to church because they feel obligated to. I find out that their protesting that Christians only go to church cause they feel obligated to.

When I was a kid I walked straight into a mirror because I thought it was a hallway. Fell flat on my ass.

In my early teen years I was talking with a girl and thought I was being smoothe by walking backwards and talking to her. Well I walked backwards into a concrete poll and nearly blacked out. We didn't speak much any more...

Mortal Kombat: Deception antics

2005-01-08T00:51:42Z

Ok so the first thing that happened when I bought this game was I decided to fix some lunch and eat it between fights. So I make myself some eggs and sausage dealies with a glass of milk. Finish my food and set the milk by my foot (Dumbshit Idea #1). In the middle of a fight the computer busts out some ridiculous combo and I get pissed. I kick over the glass of milk and it spreads to under all my N64 stuff. I panic, jump from my chair, manage to hit my side on the desk (hurt like shit), knock over the pile of CD cases setting on the edge, grab some paper towels, and clean the stuff up that's been spreading over the hardwood floor. I forget to clean where it spilled on the carpet and now that corner of the room smells like shit.

I came back from my friends house and put MK:D into the XBox. It wouldn't load. Said disk was damaged or dirty. So I continued trying and managed to actually get in game and the error message popped up. My XBox was making a terrible grinding sound so I thought it was fucked up. I set it on it's side, shook it, did every assanine dumbshit thing I could, even blew into the CD-Rom. I did all this for about 20 minutes. I screamed at the machine, pleaded with it, even smacked it a few times. Still got the error. I took out my disk and looked at it. It was dirty with a few smudges on it. Cleaned it, put it into the XBox and it worked fine.

I took a shower before going to the gym. This isn't the dumbest part. I forget to put on deoderant. You can imagine what happens from there... everyone at the gym hates me...

More past dumb shit

2005-01-06T05:45:10Z

Just remembered some dumb stuff I've done in the past, nothing new for today though:

Went into a gas station to buy a bottle of milk. Bought a bottle of cream. Finished half the bottle and then found out it was cream.

Once wore the same shirt to school I wore the day before. Faked being sick and went home instead of going to school.

When driving to work I missed the road so I decided to stop and reverse back to the road. Everything was going fine then I slammed into the stop sign with the back of my car and it fell completely over.

Once tried to compliment a fat chick by telling her she's "large and in charge".

Would've won a radio station give-a-way if I could remember any Led Zeppelin song. Couldn't think of one.

Despite the fact I hate emo music and knew I was wasting my money, I went to an emo show the school was hosting. Hated it. Wasted my money.

Asked my mom to get my "House of 1000 Corpses" poster framed the day my grandfather died. Felt like an asshole for the next week or so.

More later when my brain is functioning.

Just to Show How Dumb I Am

2005-01-04T22:46:37Z

Ok, this is my first entry so I'm just going to introduce you to how stupid I really am.

I thought 50 Cent was a boy band.

I bought Hanson's first album on tape despite never hearing them before. Judging by the cover, I thought they were metal.

This past summer sometime: I go to Walmart and buy a pack of medium white wife-beaters. Come home and realize I bought the boys size. Despite by just looking at the shirts I can tell they're ridiculously too small, I try one on anyway.

Sunday, January 2nd 2005: My ex girl friend came into the store and walked behind the counter. I go "What are you doing, you don't work here, get out." She insists she does and starts to get on the computer. I turn off the monitor and she starts yelling at me. I keep telling her to leave but she persists. I say she's not even on the schedule but she doesn't care. Customers are looking at this whole thing with amazement so I finally threaten police. She tries to call my boss' house to prove she's right but he's not there. At this point she's cussing at me and then leaves yelling "This is not over!". The customers commend me. The next day I find out she was rehired on New Years Eve and had every right to be there.

That same night I put my truck into drive instead of reverse while pulling out of the parking lot. I drive forward extremely hard into the concrete seperating the lot from the road and nearly take out my front tires.

Today: I was working at the video store (my job when I'm not in college) and a kid came up and wanted to pay a partial late charge. For some reason my brain thought that putting a coupon on his account for $5 and then closing the ticket would work. So I did it. And now the late charge is not there and technically, they didn't even pay the $5. Instead, I just made it so the store was going to be $10.50 short for that night. So I call my boss and tell him what happened. He steps me through readding the late charge, at which point I also add another late charge of $5.00. So he finally starts to get impatient (I would too if my border-line retarded employee called me when I was sick with this crap) and told me to tell the kid to come back when he's there. So through the whole thing I managed to not only not remove part of the late charge, but add an additional one. If I was my boss, I'd hate me too.

That's all for now. I don't feel like remembering any more.